The Chemist’s Shaking Camera

We teach people how to treat us.

I am so excited about this guy.  Like. So. Excited. He is a chemist so I call him The Chemist. Clever, right?

He has a degree from an Ivy League school.  He is articulate and owns two companies, a cleaning company and a night club.  It’s nice to be talking to someone who has a little money and can pay for something.  I won’t have to reach for my wallet at dinner or breakfast or the movies or the gas station…

Now to be clear, I can buy my own dinner and breakfast and gas. I have my own degrees.  Three of them actually. It’s just that sometimes blue collar guys…well, I just wonder what it’s like to date a man with something in the bank.  And The Chemist is Christian???  Jackpot.

Well kinda jackpot cause most of the Christian men I know turned out to be gay or bisexual. But I digress.

Anywho, The Chemist is the Jackpot.

Well, that’s what I thought anyway.

This whole fake love affair started just as normally as any other. He sent me cutest message online through OK Cupid, a dating website.

Hello, miss. I loved reading your profile and would be honored to get to know you better. Please send me a message if you are interested.


So, I’m thinking, Ok. This guy knows how to put a sentence together. He is respectful. I like this start!!! Hands up!! I’m all giddy. But seriously. Sometimes online dudes just say “Hi” or “Hello” or “Wassup, Ma?” “Wassup, Ma?” I ain’t nobody’s Ma.   None of those greetings get my attention. At all. (Though I have been known to like a little Ma reference every now and then. I’m just saying.)

Anywho, Mark and I send a few messages and then my phone rings right after I sent him my number. He is calling!

Before I answer, I find myself straightening my hair and smoothing down my shirt. Like he can see me. But I’m cute anyway; so there is that.

“Hello,” I say trying to sound sexy, but really it comes across all weird sounds, deep voice and heavy breathing. What was that?

“May I speak to Terry?” he says. His voice is smooth and deep. I am picturing his face. The chocolate skin. The full beard. Mmmmmm.

“This is Terry.” I’m smiling hard and am so glad we aren’t skyping.

“Did I wake you, Terry?” He sounds so cute! Like he is really concerned about waking me. Look at him!

“Oh, no. I was just completing a report for work.” Totally a lie. I’m literally clicking on his pictures over and over thinking I will see something the 334th time through his profile. Like this one of him in his car. Or is it really his car? That does look like leather. But he could be in a rental.

We have a good conversation. Solid start. And decide to meet for lunch later that day. Ok. To be clear, I’m not one to do the same day lunch thing. But there was something about this man! Maybe it was the summer air, or that my hair was acting right, or that I had a perfect outfit. I don’t know. But I agree to meet him at Buffalo Wings on the Boulevard in Northeast Philadelphia.

Ya’ll. I’m cute. Lip gloss is popping. Handbag is matching. Nails are shimmering.

I scan the restaurant. No sign of him. I call his phone. No answer. The waitress says she hasn’t seen anyone like him. I call again. No answer.

13 minutes later, im worried. 34 minutes later, I’m pissed.

I take my popping, matching, shimmering self into Walmart then the grocery store, then home. This dude stood me up?!?!? I still can’t believe it.

So I do what I always do—block or delete. I decided to delete him. Shoulda went for the block because 2 months later—yes two months—I get a text.

Him: Hey, how are you?

Me: Who is this?

Him: Mark. (I know like 3 Marks; so there is that.)

Me: Mark who?

Him: Mark from OK Cupid.

This negro. I’m stunned into silence. My fingers won’t even type another words cause I’m thinking, the negro that stood me up?

Me: The negro that stood me up?

Him: I didn’t stand you up.

Me: You said you were going to meet me, right?

Him: I would love for us to start over. Are you open to us doing that?

Me: Love, huh? Hmmm. I think you might be able to convince me.

Him: Is there anything I can do to make this right?

Me: Kindness, chemistry, consistency…Why are you so interested in starting over?

Right here, people, I should’ve just blocked, right? So why in the world did I even continue to conversation? Curiosity? Boredom? Astonishment?

Him: We had a strong connection. And because of what I did, we never had an opportunity to see what could have become of us. I made a mistake and I am man enough to own up to what I did wrong.

Me: I appreciate your explanation.

Him: Let’s get to know one another again. Tell me all about you.

Me: Let’s connect this evening? I’m at work now.

So, the Official Male Jigalo calls me and goes through a song and dance about losing his grandmother, going through therapy, that he really liked me and felt like we had a strong connection. And what did my sappy self do? Let. My. Guard. Down.

But I tell him he has 30 days to prove to me that I should take him seriously. How long do you think he made it?

Well, a week later, I’m with a friend heading to NYC; so I don’t have a whole lot of time to talk. Mark asks me if he can Facetime me, and of course I like yeah. My hair and make-up are tight; so why not?

He is the cutest thing ever!

“Hey, Mark,” I purr. Smiling hard into the camera. I’ve been told I have a nice smile. So, I’m working it hard.

“Hey, pretty lady.” I can see a gap between is front teeth that is so handsome. He is driving. Glancing down every now and again into the phone.

Nice beard. I have a thing for beards. White teeth. I have a thing for teeth.

“What are you up to today?” His voice is so nice.

“I’m on the train heading to NYC. What about you?”

“Well, I just left the closing for this club I just bought in Jersey. I have the keys right here. This is a good day for me!”

I am no gold digger, but I am happy to hear about his business acumen. A girl could sit home and just be a housewife?? Well, I could be down for that.

My excitement for him shines through my words, “Congratulations. That’s big stuff! How you feeling? You do the deal by yourself?”

That cute gap is showing when he beams and says, “Me and my Italian partners bought it together. We are thinking of heading to Vegas to celebrate.”

“So I’m going to Vegas?” It doesn’t hurt to ask right?

“Well, we didn’t discuss ladies, but you’re more than welcome to come.”

Now he has me thinking. Might he be ok? Then, things suddenly get shaky. He calls me, but I’m with my girl in NYC. Thirty minutes later I get a text, “Have a nice life.”


Two days later, he Facetimes me.  I answer, and he is driving.  He looks down into the phone and doesn’t say anything.  I have an attitude so I’m looking at him like what.

He is still silent.  So I say, “Yes” with a flirty smile.  Trying to be nice.

He doesn’t say anything.  Looks down into the phone, and then the phone clicks off.

What?  Is someone watching me? Is this candid camera? Who does that?

Against my better judgment, I call him back.  No answer.  Then I text: Did you just call me, look me in my face, say nothing and hang up the phone?

This fool doesn’t even respond.  What??!??

Ok.  So I refocus and keep driving.

Now its Friday.  I see a Facetime call.  I’ve deleted him from my phone (for the 4th time); so I’m not sure who it is.  I answer.  Against my better judgment.  It’s Mark.

Me: Hey.  So what happened to you the other day? I have mad attitude this time. Not even trying to hide it.

Him: What you mean?  You were acting funny.

Me: What? You sent me that text saying, have a nice life.  Then called and hung up in my face? What was that about?

Him: I’m lying down thinking about you.

Me: (Can he hear the words coming out of my mouth?)  Ok. You’re lying down.  But did you just hear what I said?

Him: (Looking irritated.  Did he just roll his eyes?) I heard you.  You were acting funny.  And when I said that I was playing.

Me: (He stupid) Playing?  Why would you play like that?  And then you disappeared again…

For some reason the screen is suddenly jumping, and I’m checking my computer to see if the internet connection is unstable or something.

Him: I only have on a t shirt.  Listen, let me take you to dinner tonight.

What did he just say? As he is speaking, he is lying on his back showing me some form of what he thinks is sexy. But my brain is moving slowly. Why would he only have on a shirt? Why is he lying down? It’s 10am on a Saturday morning.

Him: You look so pretty. I’ve been thinking about you. Let me take you to dinner.

He starts lowering the camera and I can see he is wearing a tank top.  What in the world is he talking about?

Me: Listen, I told you that you have 30 days to convince me that you are even serious.  I’m not going to dinner with you.  You’ve only been back in my life for 10 days and have and have wigged out twice already.

This is when this fool must have lost it.  Like in twilight zone during the whole conversation, it seems.

Him: I’m lying here thinking about you.

The phone does this bouncing thing again and it hits me! This negro is….Could he be? No!!!!

Him: I’m only wearing a tank top.

He starts to pan the phone lower and lower.

Me: Wait. What? What are you doing? I don’t want to see that.  Stop!  STOP!!!

Too late.  I see his penis.  Dark brown totally exposed.  Tiny. As in Tiny Tim. I hang up and block him. But before I did, he called me a cunt. A cunt who wanted that dick. Really?

Ya’ll, the screen was bouncing because this fool was jerking off while on Facetime with me. 10 am. In the morning. While asking me to dinner. Then, called me a c*nt. A c*nt! A c*nt who wanted that d*ck.

I. Am. So. Disgusted.


Male Commentary

It seems like this guy may be lying to her.   There were too many “something happenings.” Something happened to his phone. Something happened with a family member. If he did have an incident in his family, and it caused all of that, there were so many other things he could have done. He could have gotten in touch with her. It shouldn’t have taken 2 or 3 months. It never should take that. If an emergency happens in the family, it may take a week, maybe 2, especially when there is someone you need to support. When the family issue is resolved, then you express what happened, why it happened and apologize for what happened however things do happen. But when she let him back in, without his doing all of that, now he knows he has someone he can actually manipulate and play with, if that’s his intent.

She set herself up for failure because he lied. And even if it wasn’t a lie, he had the responsibility, as being someone that was pursuing her, out of respect, to let her know. Immediately. You don’t say anything? No. Not two months. Not for two minutes. Remember. He was supposed to be there. If all of this is happening, and he knows someone is waiting for him somewhere else, someone he is trying to get acquainted with, he should have said listen, “I can’t make it. I had an emergency.” Out of respect. But he didn’t do that.

If she didn’t have the incident with the camera being shaken, she may have actually taken more abuse. In essence, she was like. “Oh well, I know what he is doing, but alright f*ck it. Let me see where we go with it.” She was chasing him in a way. She wass chasing a particular goal. Not only money, but a man and everything that come along with all of that. She was accepting his behavior, but he never committed to her. In other words, when two people commit to one another, they then can have higher expectations of each other. When that relationship is strong, and has weathered a few storms, people may be more likely to overlook being disappointed from time to time. But with this guy, he had not invested anything in her really. Yet she allowed him to come in and out of her life.

When he did try to come back, he was a little…he just shot a shot. A sling. It’s like he shot a shot, like you take a half court shot on the basketball court. If you hit it, you win a car. If not, you don’t. He shot it. She bit. He took it. From there, it’s supposed to go nowhere but down. It’s not supposed to go any other way. Then, he calls her again, and she responds. Again! Insanity. Think about it. This man is popping in and out, and they have never had any encounter that tied them together? That was madness.

When he jacks off on the phone, I was thinking, “WHAT?!” In reality, she should have seen his penis from the beginning. In other words, she should not have gotten to the point to see his penis that way. Meaning, she should have seen that he was a dick from the very beginning. Who does that? Someone crazy? The real question is, who was the crazy one?

Bottom line: he is absolutely insane.  No way on earth was she was supposed to let this guy in and out of her life, especially after the first impression.  The first impression they say is the best. The more I think about it, she was the crazy one. He is doing what he probably intended to do. A person only does what you allow them to do. But when she walked way, that was the smartest thing she could have done in this situation.

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